So I have this blog, right? But half the posts are about my...semi-boyfriend. And sometimes, I don't want him to see what I have to say. He has that blog, but not this one. So I come here.

The issue is, we broke up a while back because we had a bad relationship. He decided he wanted us to be friends for a while and try to improve on our issues, so that we can get back together and be better. But the problem is, I don't think being friends will help. Because half of the things we fight about are things that wouldn't piss me off if we weren't dating. Things like if he's gushing over some girl he slept with once, or how he wishes he could sleep with multiple women. Obviously, if I'm not dating him, I'm not going to bite his head off. So how is this solving anything?

It's hypocritical really. We're not even together, but we're flirty, and he's asking me about guys that I've seen and if I like anyone. I told him I think this guy I work with is cute. And he gets all jealous but "Oh, I guess you should go ahead and go for it because I don't want to hold you back." But he asks me dumb questions like "Who would you rather sleep with? Me or him? Who do you want to hook up with most? Are you sure you love me?" I don't understand why, when I've told him countless times that I want him, and that I would only date someone else if I thought that we wouldn't happen. He seems so possessive, and yet the standards aren't the same the other way around. He wants me to himself. Oh, he'll "let" me see other guys. But he doesn't want that. He asked about the possibility of an open relationship, but I know that really that just means he wants me to himself but be able to hook up with other girls. I told him I would never be back with him if that's what he wanted. That he could hook up with other girls without dating me, because obviously it's not commitment anyway if you're messing with multiple people.

Then he says "Well I'd rather be with you and not hook up with anyone else than not be with you at all." But really, that's just making a sacrifice. It's basically him saying "I'd rather date you and other girls, but if I can't then I guess I'll settle for just you." And that's just hurtful. I don't know what he's thinking. His excuse is, "I have a dick. It's in my nature." But I know countless men who want just one woman. He doesn't believe me. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe all men want that sort of thing. But that doesn't change the fact that it bothers me and hurts me.

My diagnosis? He's not ready. He's just not ready for the level of intimacy and commitment that I am. That feeling of being exclusive, of being a set. Retaining your individuality in one respect, but in another connecting yourself with another person and allowing that person to become a piece of you. He wants no true connection. I'm not sure that he even knows what that's like. But I do. I've had it before. And I wish I could have it with him.

Maybe honesty isn't always the best policy. Maybe the best relationships are the ones in which men keep their stupid mouths shut about how horny they are.

***

I had a GREAT day today. Started off with some issues with the boyfriend, but I'd rather not think about that anymore. It got better anyway.

I went to the pool with my roommates today and had a lot of girl talk. I missed girl talk. I had a great time. Then when we came back we did laundry and ate supper together. Now I'm just chillaxing in my room, wondering if the bf is gonna have time to call me before I have to go to bed. The first full week of classes starts tomorrow, and I have an 8:00am class. Ugh.

Lame.

***